Showing posts with label Father. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Father. Show all posts

Wednesday, January 3, 2018

The Lord Giveth....a DNA story with a happy beginning

A picture from the first day we met in
person, with the heart rock she gifted me
I've been wanting to write about this for a few months now. I've had to give myself some time to wrap my head around it all first. It's not anything I really expected to happen, but maybe in the back of my mind I hoped for it without allowing myself to dwell on it.

Most everyone who's been here knows that I lost my little sister 4 years ago. It's been a struggle since then to be an only child. Lonely. Funny to say that, you wouldn't think it, since I have such a large family with my husband and children. But it's true. I lost the person who grew up with me. Someone I spoke to often, even when we didn't always agree. National sibling day on social media only made it worse,  and holidays were a sore reminder of what was missing.

I knew that there was a possibility of having other siblings out there from my biological father. I didn't know him well. Visitation stopped when I was 4, likely because he was a severe alcoholic and ended up homeless now and then. I met him once when I was 11, while in foster-care, when he came to court to help my mom try to regain custody of me. The visit lasted maybe an hour, and I vaguely remember he mentioned 2 younger sisters. I didn't have any other information though. I did try to track him down once I was an adult, but wasn't successful and he passed away in 2005, which stopped me finding out anymore. I figured that door was closed permanently.

Our father in about 1980
Fast-forward to this past summer, when on a whim, I decided to jump on the DNA testing bandwagon with my husband for Amazon Prime Day and ordered tests for each of us from both Ancestry DNA and from 23andme. Once the tests came, I figured I'd learn some health info on the 23andme and maybe track down some relatives and learn about my heritage. Ancestry.com didn't pan out on tracking anyone who knew my father down, and that was the one I pinned most of my hopes on, since it was the one I'd heard most about.

By the end of August, I finally got my results from 23andme. There, at the top of my DNA relatives, caught my attention and made me catch my breath. Half Sibling. I don't know how long I stared at it before it fully registered. WHAT?! Was this real? Could this be real? A sister. I had a sister. Her name was right there. Dayna. It gave her last name too, and it wasn't a common one.

I don't know how other people would've handled this, but I did the most stalker-y thing I've ever done and looked her up on Facebook. There was only one person who came up with her name, and she lived in the same state as me! I went through pictures, looked for a resemblance, looked at her family members, pictures of her life, and then when that checked out as being a normal, non-psycho looking person, I sent her a message on 23andme.com and I waited. And I waited. And I waited. A few days later, when talking to my aunt about my discovery, and my hurt and embarrassment that I hadn't gotten a response, she encouraged me to send a message on Facebook, saying maybe my newfound sibling hadn't seen my message. So I gathered up my courage, set aside my pride and did exactly that.

"I hope this isn't uncomfortable or weird, but I'm wondering if you're the same Dayna..... who came up on my 23andme DNA relation match. I won't bother you again, but if you're open to a conversation, I'm here. 🙂"

And then I waited some more. I got a response the next day:

Dayna.... accepted your request.
Dayna Kinzel
That's me 🙂
Who are your parents?
Nellie
(Information removed for privacy)
Dayna Kinzel
Omg!!
Seriously!
We are sisters!!!
Are you serious?
Nellie
I am very serious
Dayna Kinzel

Nellie








We spent a lot of time over the next several days messaging, then talking on the phone and then eventually setting up a visit. I was excited, terrified, hopeful, fearful.....We learned we'd grown up in much the same way. Both of us had been in foster-care. Both had difficult childhoods we'd overcome. Both were married with children. The more we learned, the more we wanted to know. And we very quickly came to love one another.

She's better at expressing her emotions, I think. I can do that in writing, but when my emotions are that caught up and strong, I have a harder time, due to fear of being hurt. But when she went with me to a procedure I had in September, the anesthesia took out my inhibitions and opened the floodgates as I came out of it.

I woke up crying and apparently told her how happy I was that I wasn't alone anymore and how much I loved her, as well as how excited I was to be an aunt to her children and how scared I was they wouldn't like me. I did this all while clutching her hand.......Yeah....I put it all out there. Which she said she loved and appreciated because it made her feel more secure that she wasn't the only one invested.

Dayna knew of my existence, though didn't know my name or much else. She had more time getting to know our father, though not a whole lot. She took the test before I did, hoping that after 10 years of searching, hoping and waiting, that something might turn up. She said she lost hope after a while of getting nowhere and finally set it aside. Until the day I messaged her.

First family gathering together for one of my daughter's birthdays
We want to find out more together, and maybe there's a possibility of us finding the other siblings out there. She says she's pretty sure we have 2 brothers and one other sister. But we don't have much info to go off of, and they haven't come up on the DNA tests we took.

We've spent time with our families together, gone to each other's children's birthday's, started a new Christmas tradition in painting ornaments together, and even had Christmas dinner together! I'm overwhelmed with gratitude for this major blessing in my life. I have wonderful friends, and amazing family. But to have a sister, to have that relationship possible again after I thought it was gone forever.....I'm so humbled. I'm so looking forward to building this relationship with her and her family. We've had a great beginning and I'm hopeful of our future!



Thursday, January 27, 2011

Hard Times


Just when I was actually doing better than I have in a long time in keeping up here, I got the wind knocked right out of me. My stepfather, Stub, died a few weeks ago. It was something I saw coming in the weeks before, but really it all happened so fast. In September he was sitting in my kitchen eating the salsa I'd made and laughing with me over this and that. Then in the following months he lost his ability to drive, then walk, and even, in the very end, his ability to talk.

I know that death is a part of life. I also believe that he has gone to a better place where he can again do all those things that he'd been unable to during his last days on earth. I know that it's only those who have been left behind that are having a hard time with this. But it's still difficult nonetheless to realize that I can't just pick up the phone and get him on the other side of it anymore.

I have to remember though that I truly have been blessed to have him be a part of my life. In fact, I've come to realize while reflecting on all of this that I've been twice blessed in such a way. You see, my biological father was never a part of my life. The first man I called "Daddy" was my sister's father. He had the most beautiful heart and opened his arms to me when I was just a baby. Despite his turbulent relationship with my mother he always kept his arms open to me, as if I really were his natural daughter. He was an alcoholic though, and didn't care as much for himself as he did for his children. He died almost exactly 15 years ago. He was the fun one. Easy-going to a fault and open-hearted to the end. He was what I needed as a young girl to feel wanted, loved and accepted.

I wrote this for him: Forgive Me, Daddy

And then there was Stub. He was opposite in nearly every way. With the exception of whole-heartedly accepting another man's child as his own. He was responsible, hard-working, stable...he was a rock. He helped to show me what a father's role was. He helped to guide me the right way on the path to womanhood.

I wrote these for him: Shadow Of a Man and Mourning a Loved-One's Passing

Both these men filled a role I needed at the time I most needed it. Both have inspired me in different ways. Both are gone now. I am now truly without a father. But I can't leave it at that. It would devalue the lasting impression they've left with me. I have to think of the immeasurable gifts they gave me before they left this world.

I hope I haven't confused you all with my rambling thoughts here. My history is hard to follow, I know, but it has shaped me to be who I am today--and so I can't say that I'd change it. Everything happens for a reason. And I guess it's time I remember that and do my best to move forward.