Showing posts with label Life Lessons. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Life Lessons. Show all posts

Monday, April 11, 2022

Time Marches on…and on….

My life has brought about many changes over the last several years. I’ve hesitated on continuing my journey on here, because the thing that defined me before is not where I’m at now. So many things have occurred I’m not even sure where to begin. I guess I should start with the admission that I’m not a homemaker anymore. I mean, I have a home, and I’m still a wife and mom, but as for that being my sole occupation… …well, somehow it’s moved over to being one of the things I juggle in a different way. 

I started a part-time job in 2018. It was just a way to bring in some extra money but led to so many other opportunities. I enjoyed the time away from home, getting to explore the working me and the new way of interacting with the world. The same month I started work, I enrolled in college. For the first year, I worked part-time, went to school full-time and tried to maintain my family relationships. It wasn’t always easy, but I felt like I could take on the world and I was learning so much about myself. Over the next year, I progressed to a point at work where I was offered a full-time leadership position and also earned scholarships in school. For a time I did full-time at both work and school. We moved out of our home to a new city half an hour away, and while it was challenging, somehow I seemed to be doing it. 

I promoted up to another leadership position within a few months, and while it was harder to keep up in school with those hours, I continued to make it work. My family was so supportive, but I did start to see some struggles in adjusting to this new life, not only with my changes in roles, but also in where they fit in this new place we moved to. I questioned whether or not I should keep going but they assured me I should continue and while I felt guilty picking to do something for myself for the first time in my life, I also felt empowered and thrived on the new knowledge I gained with each new course I took at school and role I moved into at work. 

I was again promoted at work, but this new role meant more hours each week, and I found that I had to make a choice in letting something go. My children were not doing well with the isolation that came with COVID-19, and my family, despite all its shared space together was becoming more distant emotionally from each other. My younger kids once thrived in our old neighborhood and spent most their days outdoors playing. Here they can’t seem to settle in—and have dealt with bullying and social isolation. My older teens have pretty much followed the stereotypical stuff I knew would present some challenges, but added in so much more I definitely wasn’t equipped for in this social media/digital age. 

I cut school to half-time for a year, then accepted another promotion at work—work has become an outlet for me and has kept me from losing my mind through all these failures at home. In an effort to spend more time with my family though, I opted to let school go entirely and didn’t sign up this year. I made this choice right before things became even more difficult in my family.

The isolation and disconnectedness from the community through all of this wasn’t something I was prepared for. Depression has claimed my whole household. My support system isn’t next door anymore—and keeping up on my work and school loads and keeping everyone connected proved to be too much.

My adult children struggled to find healthy relationships and settled into ones that were abusive and degrading. My teens struggled with major depression and started making the choices I’d tried so hard to steer them away from. Our vacation fund went to hospital/doctors/therapy. This is life now. The mental toll these things have had on our family—as we tried to be there for each other, love one another through the pain of all that’s tearing us apart—is one that we still can’t pay. It’s not one thing after another. It’s all things at once.

This year started with me having to run across the country to rescue a child from an escalating abusive situation, only to have things get worse before we got home for a struggling teenager at home that resulted in a hospital stay, then more bad decisions from the child rescued, the pulling back of the oldest teen and deterioration of what was once a close and loving relationship, —I’ve continued to pray, to advise, to love unconditionally and to attempt to guide—but none of it seems to make a difference. I feel like I’ve failed in my most important duty. 

I don’t know what to do from here. I’ve given up school. I’ve cut back from many of the extra hours I was doing at work. But nothing is getting better. It’s so overwhelming and I’m so powerless. Mentally, I’m lower than I’ve ever been in my life. At work, I can fix the problems put in front of me. It’s a challenge, but one that isn’t impossible. There I feel like I make a difference. At home,  all I can do is watch as everything falls apart because children seem hellbent on learning everything in the most painful ways possible. So many ways things are going wrong, and I have no ideas on how to fix them without completely losing my identity by once again becoming what everyone seems to need from me. 

Life is hard. No matter what I say, what I do, where I am, it doesn’t seem to make a difference. But I keep trying. I’m unsure how to figure this one out…

Tuesday, June 27, 2017

That moment you realize you know nothing at all

This post is a long time coming. It's been one I've been thinking about, but wasn't quite sure how much to share. I'm a pretty private person. Funny, right? I have a blog here, I've shared so much already, but when it comes to the details of my immediate family, I always struggle with what I'm okay with sharing, and what they're okay with me sharing. I've said I want to help people, but really, I'm struggling in finding my own way, so what help can I really be?

Have I mentioned parenting is hard? I have children ranging in age from 19 down to 4. With six kids, you'd think I'd be a pro by now. You'd be wrong. I have no idea what the heck I'm doing here! And the stress! Who knew that I'd lay in bed at night and over-analyze every single detail of every choice I'm making with each kid, and how that may have shaped them to become who they are and influence what they're choosing to do now?

I remember a day--and please don't judge me too harshly if you already know better (I was pretty blissfully ignorant back then)--when I was talking to a friend about raising kids, and how I took the job so seriously because literally who they became was based on how I raised them. Then I went on to say that if my kids grew up making wrong choices which made their lives a mess, that it would be my fault for not teaching them the right things. This ideal on the surface may seem sound to some, as it did to me then, but it really is flawed. I've been learning this the hard way, repeatedly. It's so much more than that.

Kids have their own minds, their own spirits, their own way of making sense of things and their own free will. Sure, we as parents can influence some of that, but we're far from the only influence, especially in this day and age. We don't have control of all they see, hear, think, or believe. We can try to limit certain things, and push others, but really, we have no control over so many other factors in the world. None. At all.

One of my children, who was once so hopeful, so inspired and inspiring, has taken those extra things and viewed the world in such a dark, meaningless way. As a consequence of several choices made, starting a few years ago with small ones and going on from there, he is no longer sure what he should believe, think or feel about anything. I see the struggle in the daily choices, the consequences of the bad ones, the hopelessness and that lost feeling that increases day by day. And no matter what I say, no matter what I do, no matter how I pray, I can't seem to break through and change what's happening. I'm watching my child struggle to even find purpose, meaning and love for life. It's agonizing. I can't fix it.

I've spent more nights than I care to remember, getting up in the middle of the night to make sure he's still breathing. I've cried more tears and begged and bargained with God to the point of being physically ill. I've spent moments almost crippled by fear of saying/doing/or even thinking the wrong things and making it all worse. A month ago, I spent a few hours talking my child down from a building. Literally. What am I doing?!

And without meaning to, or wanting to, I fear what people would think of me if they knew how much I really am struggling here. Many of those who know anything of what's going on, I'm sure think we must've done something wrong. We must've failed our child in some way. God knows I find myself thinking this very thing. I just don't know.

I find myself wondering how much of this hopelessness stems from choices he made, and how much comes from the genetic predisposition he was given for depression? Depression is real. It is ugly. It is terrifying. It lacks in sense and it is obstinate.

Looking from the outside, I see someone smart in all the ways I wished I were. I see talent. I see a beautiful heart. I see so many possibilities. I try to encourage, to guide, to advise. It does nothing. Because all he sees in the mirror is someone worthless. A "dumb ass", to quote him exactly.  Hearing that pierced my being in ways I can't begin to describe.

And I'm fighting against the world here. The world says whether or not you have worth, and our children believe that determination. The world says there's no harm in sharing everything you've got if you want to find out who you really are and if you've got potential, and then it tears you down with those very intimate details you shared. It tells you that the things which bind you with another person are no big deal and can and should be explored with whomever, whenever. All this so it can tear you down when you eventually don't measure up to impossible and changing standards.

And who am I to compete? I'm just me. I thought my voice would count because it's been there longest. I thought my opinion would count more because it's the most informed, and it comes from a good place. But it appears this isn't the case. How do I get through that louder, more prominent voice and say that YOU are the one who determines YOUR own future? YOU decide who YOU are. And God is the only important judge to measure yourself by, and He's always willing to forgive and guide you to make changes.

So what do I do? I wake up everyday, I keep trying to break through that dark cloud, I keep reading, researching and trying to learn more. I keep putting resources out in front of him. But ultimately, it's up to him, and all I can do is pray.


Thursday, February 26, 2015

It's About to Get Real

I know it's been a really long time since I've written. I've been trying to get my life back on track, which, I'll be honest, hasn't been easy. I was really shaken with the death of my sister in July, 2013. I thought I was doing okay, but a year later, when the fog cleared from my mind (that's the best way I can describe it), I realized I'd been on autopilot for that whole time.

When I "woke up" I could see how much I'd been missing in what was happening around me. It's hard for me to admit publicly that I wasn't holding things together as well as I wanted to believe I was. I believed I was broken. I thought I would never again feel okay, but I did my best to fake it because I had a family to take care of, and they needed me to be okay.

I pulled back from the world. I stayed home most of the time because that was easiest. I wanted my family to be home with me too, which really, wasn't fair to them, but they complied quite easily most of the time. They were and are the most important part of my life (outside of God) and I wanted the comfort they gave me. Unfortunately, they weren't getting the full part of me at home either though. Really, when you're on auto-pilot, you miss a lot. I missed a lot.

When that fog cleared, and I suddenly felt more aware, alert to what was happening in the world around me, I was ecstatic! I wasn't broken! I could be happy again! I felt hope again! The pain is still there, and always will be. I love my sister. I miss her. But I can see that I still have so much to be thankful for in my life. And I know my sister is in a better place.



That suddenly clarity wasn't all sunshine, rainbows and unicorns though. I realized how far I'd let things go around me. My preschooler had been coloring on the furniture, the walls, you name it. And while I knew it was happening, and took the things from her when I caught her, I did little to prevent it further and rarely cleaned it up. My once relatively clean and organized home (as clean as it can be with 8 people living here!) was the most cluttered, disorganized, out of sorts as I've ever let anything get (let's just say I once was OCD about the shape of my house, and while having so many kids relaxed me, I was still very much into keeping things in the kind of order that wouldn't make everyone completely insane, but was very comfortable and wouldn't scare away company! Haha!) I won't even get started on the shape of my yard! Ugh!

Besides the shape of my house, more importantly, there was also the emotional well-being of my children I needed to address, and the relationship with my husband. They got use to the new me (foggier, reclusive, less active....well, you get the gist of it).  They didn't want to burden me with their problems. And now that I was awake and wanted to jump back in, that took some adjusting to get back on track. It also took some convincing that I could handle whatever they threw at me! Something they'd never doubted before this tragedy.

It hasn't been easy to jump back into being social either. A lot of times I feel really awkward in a group, but I never regret getting out there. Being a recluse for that long is a hard habit to break though! I'm working on it....

Grief is a strange thing. I'd thought I could get through it in the same ways I've had to before. I'm not a stranger to loss. I've lost a lot, as so many have, really. But the hardest loss was my baby sister. That went beyond any pain I'd felt ever. I'd heard it would take time, but when days, weeks, months passed and I wasn't able to bounce back the way I'd been able to in the past, and eventually I was sure I never would. Oh ye of little faith......

Ultimately it was God who woke me up. I recognize His hand in so many things that made me keep going. He didn't go easy on me, He knew what I needed to get through this and He never abandoned me, even though at times I thought for sure He had. He knew I had to keep moving to move forward, and I was a resistant, stubborn,
pain in the butt at times, I'm sure!

I'm having such life-changing, faith-affirming revelations as a result of the trials of the last two years. One of those is that these are the things that make us who we are. These are the things that draw us closer together. These are the things we learn most from and help us grow.

So while I can't promise to be here daily, I can say I will try to do better. Writing has always be therapeutic for me, and I've always loved sharing what I learn in life, so there are two great reasons to be here!

Friday, February 14, 2014

Valentines are Not Trophies

I saw this story in my newsfeed on Facebook. It was a teacher under fire for sending home a letter to parents instructing them to make sure their child brings a Valentine for every child in the class if they chose to participate in the passing out of Valentines. Funny enough, people thought this was outrageous. Some even likened it to receiving participation trophies for kids' sports. Some were talking about how this teacher needed to help prepare these children for the real world. Perhaps I should mention that this teacher is a kindergarten teacher. What does a 5 year old need to learn by not receiving Valentines cards?

This wasn't the first time I heard this sentiment though. I was surprised to read it on the Matt Walsh Blog too:
"I still have my pity-trophy, it’s right up there on my pity-mantle, next to my pity-game ball and the mandatory Valentine’s cards I only received because elementary school rules required every child to give one to every other child."
He had me agreeing with most of what he said until that point. Because I'm trying to see what trophies have to do with kids receiving Valentines along with every other child on Valentine's Day. I wasn't aware it was an award. Did these children do something special to deserve these Valentines?

Honestly, I'd always thought of Valentine's celebrations at school as being much like another trick-or-treat or reason to have a fun party. But let's say it's not. Let's say these cards and little candies that the children pass out during school hours are awards and they should be earned. What, then, makes a child unworthy to receive one? Are they not pretty or handsome enough? Do they not dress well enough? Do they need to bathe more often? Are they not rich enough?

In all my school years it was always said by the teacher that all students should receive a Valentine from students who chose to bring them. It made some of my elementary years more bearable, because the students actually listened. I'm sure that in grades 3-5 that had that not been the rule, I'd have gone home feeling even more worthless than usual on that day. Why? Because I was bullied. Many of the kids didn't like me. I wasn't like them. I didn't go to church. I smelled like cigarettes. I dressed myself. I did my own hair (and not very well, I might add) and I lived in a trailer park. People called me "Smelly Nellie" and "trailer trash" among other things, they'd actually follow me around the school yard to do it.

Every morning I would wake up to my alarm clock, force myself to get ready for school and to walk to where I knew people were going to be mean to me. How did I handle it? I laughed. I acted like I didn't care and then I went home and cried my eyes out on the particularly bad days. But Valentine's Day was a good day. I was treated, miraculously enough, like anyone else. I got to take home my Valentines and show my mom and sister and feel like everyone else for a day.

What can be so terrible about what this teacher asked? None of these children earned any of those Valentines. It's just an excuse to have a little fun and celebrate. If every student in elementary doesn't get one, then none of them should. Valentines in school has nothing to do with accomplishment and everything to do with fun, and perhaps a little about teaching them about love and friendship.

Are people seriously advocating leaving children out of this? For what purpose? Is giving them a Valentine somehow going to leave them ill-equipped for the real world? I highly doubt it. But leaving them out feels a lot like bullying. For teachers to not make this rule in their classroom seems wrong to me. What is right about allowing a child to be left out of the passing of Valentines? How is that going to strengthen their character or teach them good lessons?

You may be surprised to learn that I don't believe in rewarding children for nothing. We don't go for the participation trophies here. We encourage our children to work hard and to do their best. If they win, fantastic! If they don't, hopefully they did their best and learned something and will do better next time. But we don't want them receiving what they didn't earn. We want them to be prepared for the work it takes to make it in the real world.

But Valentine's Day has nothing to do with this. And once these kids hit Junior High and High School, they get to choose whom receives their Valentines gifts and they understand the deeper meaning behind those gifts. In elementary they don't yet understand this, and they don't need to. They're children. I think there are already too many ways some children are ostracized. There's no need to provide one more way. If they want to do an extra special Valentine for their very good friends, by all means, let them do it, but don't encourage them to be mean and leave someone out because they don't like the way they dress, smell, talk, etc. This doesn't teach them anything valuable.

Just my two cents. Happy Valentine's Day! :)

Wednesday, January 2, 2013

Life's Little Surprises

I know it's been a few months. I'd planned on being better about blogging, but something unexpected happened in September that threw us all off balance for a bit--and it will continue to do so for the foreseeable future! Hahaha!

What is this unplanned occurrence that has gotten in the way of my blogging patterns and then some? Well, we found out that we're expecting another baby! This was a surprise, for sure, as we had thought our family was feeling pretty complete with the arrival of our youngest two and a half years ago. But it seems we were wrong, and I'm sure this baby will be just as loved.

Unfortunately, it's hard to feel the drive to write when I suffer from morning-noon-and-night-sickness. So I spent the first few months with my head hovering over the toilet and then added another uncomfortable symptom about a month ago. My heart's been having a few issues. Nothing all that scary, as of now. I'm not having a heart-attack or anything, but it does race anytime I get up to move across the room. Sometimes talking a lot can put me out of breath too. But I'm not having any pain. It's just uncomfortable. I get a lot of headaches, a bit light-headed and exhausted--sounds like fun, right?

You can imagine how hard it is for me to try to keep up with my five kids (six if you count the hubby--but don't tell him I said that!), and let's not talk about the house! In fact, the truth is, I haven't been able to keep up. The best I've been able to do is VERY basic picking up, supervising little ones from a sitting position and cooking and preparing meals from a stool in the kitchen. I've felt pretty useless and it's taken a toll on my self-confidence at times.

I do have to say though, that my family, friends and neighbors have been wonderful. My husband has stepped in where he can after work (especially in helping me keep up on laundry) and my children have worked to be more helpful around the house and taken on more than their usual chores. And when some of our friends and neighbors heard about our troubles, they've come in with food, gifts and other helps for our family that have so humbled me, I can hardly think about it without crying.

We aren't too worried about my symptoms right now, since my doctor thinks it's stemming from anemia (apparently not all that uncommon in pregnancy). I've just started taking extra doses of Iron for the next little while and hopefully will be feeling more normal in the next few weeks. If not, we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.

So while life isn't easy at the moment (who'd have thought it, with all the sitting I've had to do lately?) I'm still very aware of the blessings in our lives. I'm thankful for all the Lord has blessed us with and feel so much love for the people He's brought to our lives.

Thursday, September 13, 2012

Reputable Insurance Agent

I mentioned in my last post that we were going through an agent in making all these changes with our health and dental insurance. I've been talking to Alex Bessinger from Utah Insurance Group and he's been more than helpful in helping us along in this process. I've called him more times than I can count about questions, concerns, thoughts, etc and he's been extremely patient and informative.

I thought I'd share his company's website so that any others who are looking for help with their health, dental and life insurance needs would be able to have the best agent available to them too. :) We're actually changing our Whole Life Insurance policies we've had for the last 15 years over to Term Life Insurance. We'll get over three times the coverage for half the cost of what we're paying through work. Granted, it's term and won't accrue any cash value, but from all of the research I've done and the people I've called to talk to about it, Whole Life Insurance just doesn't make much sense when it comes to people like my husband and me.

So if you're in the insurance market, go ahead and check out Utah Insurance Group. I know it was definitely worthwhile for us!
Utah Insurance Group
Available when you are: 7AM-9PM Mon-Fri
Phone: 801.336.4295 Fax: 801.951.4974 
Mailing Address: 1241 S 4350 W Syracuse, UT 84075

Saturday, May 5, 2012

What is Success? My Definition Keeps Changing....

What would you define as success? Is it following your dreams? Sticking to your plan? Accepting the changes life brings you whole-heartedly and changing your life map to make the most of what you have? I've found my definition has changed over the years.

Life is certainly a road that isn't without its bumps, forks in the road and sudden turns you didn't see coming. It certainly complicates things when you're not sure where your focus should lie. Much of the last 15 years my attention has been split between raising my family (whom I'm so blessed to have!) and writing. Most of the time (let's say 99%), family wins. It wasn't always that way, but it was a choice I made several years ago when I decided what was most important to me right now. I always tell myself that writing can come later. I'm just not a fun person when I get interrupted while deeply engrossed in creating my characters. Let's just leave it at that. Hah!

So I tell myself that when my youngest is in school, I'll have all the time I need to finish that book I started too long ago. Most days I'm okay with that. But I try to make up for it by coming here, or to HubPages, and doing articles. It's not as engrossing, and I can be interrupted without turning into a troll (that may be a little extreme, but you get the picture).

To scratch the itch I have of getting lost in a world of fiction, I lose myself in others' creations when I can (whether that be a TV show, movie or book). It's funny that I prefer to write real life things, but my reading preference is Fantasy. Maybe it's because I write what I know (and to exorcise a few demons from the past), so I prefer to be entertained by something less real....Anyway.....

Then there are days like today. I have this book (don't most of us wannabe writers?) I've been working on it for years. Okay, I'll be honest, the last few years I haven't touched it--only thought about it in frustration now and then. I have most of it plotted out in my mind. I know how I want most of it to go, but it just wasn't working for me. I couldn't figure it out. The idea came to me in a dream, but the resolution just wouldn't come that easily. I would sit in front of the computer and go back over it and over it. Some things were obvious and were cut the more experience I got (gotta love writing groups!). But the main character just didn't feel right to me. Then the demands of life and family became stronger and I just set it aside, not wanting to give up, but realizing I just couldn't do it right now.

This morning, after a late night up, I woke up bright and early this morning. I was trying to figure out why I wasn't still lost in the land of dreams when I realized I was thinking about my book. I started thinking of the main character and why she wasn't working and it came to me. Just like that. Sudden inspriration flooded my mind and I wanted to rush downstairs and start making changes that would help me run with this story. Then it hit me, my daughter has piano this morning, my other daughter has soccer right after lunch, my husband and son are out camping--and that leaves me in charge of the running.......You can see my dilema.

I'll just have to take some notes, I suppose. The day will come when I'll miss these days with my children. I know that. There are times I feel it already as the older ones become more independent, and I see them preparing to become the adults they'll soon be.

Until then, I'll try not to feel like I'm failing to use my talent; my gift. There are days when I get to dust it off and help the kids with a fiction project for English. I just have to remember during those times that it's their story, not mine!  ;)

I guess my point is, I've had to change my definition for success. I haven't yet accomplished all I set out to do. But then I hadn't ever dared to hope I'd have all that I have now. I'm still young...ish--it's never too late to do those things I initially set out to do. But until then, I can't discount all I've done up to now. My life is full and so is my heart.

Monday, March 5, 2012

Does Parenting Get Any Easier?

Well, I've been a parent for over 14 years now. My kids are still functional, so I guess I haven't been a complete failure, right? I like to think I'm a pretty good mom. I have good relationships with each of my kids and they come to me to talk about things that bother them, or even if they're just curious about something. I've tried to be more parent than friend--though I do laugh, joke around and enjoy hanging out with my children.

Still, there are times when I want to pull my hair out in frustration in those hard parenting moments. You know the ones I'm talking about? The times when your kids decide to test those boundaries and you have to be the bad guy. Or the other times when you're trying to guide them down the right path and it's a lot harder than you or they thought it was going to be.

Lately I've been feeling like the bad guy quite a bit. My teenager hasn't had much time for fun lately with all the work he's been doing to try and keep his grades up. He's a great kid. I know I can trust him (though that doesn't stop me from checking up on him now and then, just to make sure he's still doing okay). Anyway, this weekend has got me thinking and wondering if I'm doing right by him when I'm pushing him to get his reading done, to get that extra credit in, study, get is music practice in, do the corrections in the classes that will let him fix his work to get a better score and so on.....

He came home on Friday and did his chores (That's the day we have the kids do the majority of the house cleaning so that it doesn't interfere much with homework) and then went to his friend's house to work on a science project. Four hours after going to his friend's he still wasn't done and wanted to know if he could go back another day to work on it. I told him he had a pretty full week with his band concert, homework and catching up on his book-pages for English, so that probably wasn't possible. He ended up staying at his friend's house and working on the project all night. They got about 3 hours of sleep, I found out later when I went to go see the progress they made on the project the next day. I felt bad for telling him he needed to get it done that day when I saw how elaborate the project they were doing was. It looked awesome!

Anyway, he made plans to go straight from doing that project to going to another friend's house to do a history extra credit assigment. They worked on that for a few hours and then he read about 100 pages of his book pages, making it so he was only 500 behind instead of 600 (they have to read 1,000 pages per term and he fell behind due to his struggles in the geometry chapter of his Pre-Algebra class). He asked if he could go do something fun for a while and I thought of those 500 pages that still needed to get done in less than two weeks and hesitated. I did end up giving him the go-ahead though. He came back that night saying he didn't feel very good, but rather than going to bed and getting a good night's sleep, he stayed up another hour until midnight playing Xbox with his dad (the first time he'd been able in several days).

He woke up yesterday really sick and congested. He had to use both of his inhalers for the first time in a long time so he could breath (he has asthma). I told him to stay home from church and rest. I felt really guilty. I want him to have a good work ethic and learn that working hard will pay off, but I also want him to have time to be a kid, because that's what he is. It's so hard to find the balance there and with my 11 year old turning 12 in a few months and heading for junior high in the fall, I'm wondering if I'll ever find that right balance.

I want my kids to have time for fun, but I also want them to know that they need to be able to work hard to get to where they want to be in life. The competition for colleges and jobs is so much more fierce than it was when I was their age. I just want them to be prepared. I don't know.....hopefully one day I'll figure it all out, hopefully sooner than later! I don't want anyone working themselves sick.

What about you other parents out there? Have you got it figured out yet? I'd love to hear from you!

Thursday, February 23, 2012

Getting Personal is Easier Said than Done

Not long ago I talked to you all about sharing more of my life. I asked the question "How personal is too personal?" And based on some conversations I had with friends, family and readers (via facebook), I had decided I would go ahead and start writing some of that.

Well, turns out that isn't as easy as I thought it would be. I felt almost like I was stripping naked in a room full of strangers! Eeek! I spent a few hours typing, back-spacing, typing again, back-spacing more, etc...all while getting interrupted numerous times by my munchkins. I started two articles on Hubpages and both sit there today unfinished and unpublished.

It's hard sharing some of those life-defining moments that helped shape me into the person I am today. If I put it out there, I do believe my experiences can help others. But I also know I am making myself a target for some. Does that bother me? I'd be lying if I said it didn't to some degree. I do think I will end up finishing those articles, but I now understand that it's not as easy as talking to a person about it one on one. When talking to someone in person, I've decided that person is ready (or I hope they are) to know those things about me that most would never guess. When publishing my experiences on a public forum, well, I have no control where that goes or who sees it or how they take it. I guess I kind of knew that going into this, but thinking about it while writing makes me more careful about choosing my words.

So anyway, one day, hopefully soon, I'll find the right words and the courage to finish those articles and put them up for all to see. Until then, this will have to be enough :) God bless!

Thursday, September 22, 2011

The Throw-away Box

My 3 youngest children getting ready
for the day....sort of!

As you can imagine, having five children can create a lot of work around the house. Things can get out of control rather quickly if I don't stay on top of things, and getting sick can be a way to turn the house into a disaster area!

Since it can be a lot to handle for me, and because I believe in teaching my children responsibility which they can carry with them into adulthood, I've come up with several tools to get a handle on the mess. The latest tool is "The Throw-away Box." Doesn't that just make you cringe? No? That's okay, it's not meant to make you cringe, but I hope it gets my children's attention!

Believe it or not, it's easier for me to keep the house clean during the times school isn't in session. The kids all know what they have to do so they can hang out with friends, play video games or other such things. So they generally accomplish this at the start of the day and then do their fun things after they're finished.

During the school year, however, the older kids are so bombarded with homework, projects, music practice, sports and activities of that nature that they just come in, throw off their backpacks, take out all their papers, books, instruments, etc; take off shoes and socks and any jackets they may be wearing, run for a snack and then dig in to their homework/lessons/practice, etc.

So regardless of how clean the house is before they get home, it quickly looks like a tornado hit it within the first 15 minutes of them being home. I tried to keep up, but it just made me grumpy. Imagine that! So I decided that even though they have other work to do outside of home, that shouldn't exempt them from cleaning up after themselves! Right? Of course! I don't imagine they'll have a maid with them at college, so they better learn this lesson now.

Here's where "The Throw-away Box" comes in. After a long day of canning and all that entails, and taking care of my younger two children, I was exasperated to watch my freshly picked-up living room become littered in the flurry of my returning school children.

"That's it!" I said. "No more!"

They momentarily stopped in the process of shoveling papers out of their packs and discarding them willy-nilly, to look at their wild-eyed mother. But those wide-eyed, innocent looks weren't going to stop me from laying down the law.

"Tyler, go get me a box." I commanded my teenager.

"A box?" He asked, clearly confused.

"Yes, a box," I affirmed. When he came back with it, I set it down in the middle of the mess in my living room. "You see this box? This is where everything that I find out of place is going to go." I started to pick up their belongings and shoved them in the box.

"Okay." My seven year old didn't seem bothered by this one bit. The older two just watched me warily.

"I'm not finished," I told them. "If, by the end of the day, your things are still in the box, I will assume you no longer want or need them and will take them out to the trash. No exceptions, no second-chances."

They all look horrified and immediately started to grab for the items that I'd already put in the box. I stopped them for a moment to add one last warning: "And if I find any of those items that you've taken out of the box out of place again, they will go straight to the trash. Understand?"

They all ran to put their things where they belonged and at the end of the day, the box was empty. Does that mean I haven't had to put things in the box since then? No. It's only been a few days of this new rule, and so far they've been catching their items before they end up in the trash, but haven't quite stopped them from making it into the box in the first place. On the plus side, the box hasn't been getting as full as it did the first day. Progress? I like to think so!

Anyway, we'll see how this goes. Somewhere we need to find the right balance of work for everyone. School can be demanding, and so can the other activities the kids have going on. That's why I limit their extra-curriculars so they don't get so bogged down. But with five children, that still makes for a full schedule most weeks.

So what do you think? Am I just a mean mom? Or maybe some think I'm a pushover? Haha! What do you do in your family? I'd love to hear your ideas and solutions!

Friday, September 9, 2011

What Makes a Good Mom?

Somebody said something to me several months ago and I haven't been able to get it out of my head since. I think he meant it as a joke, though I didn't take it as one. I mean, I laughed, but that was because I didn't know how else to react. He really struck a nerve--not that he meant to--but it happened nonetheless.

So what was this statement that haunts me? Well, upon learning how many kids I had (five!!!!), he said that nobody with five kids is going to be a good parent. Okay, honestly, I'm biased here. Those may not have been his exact words, but that's how I heard them. I laughed him off, said something about I'm not doing too bad, in my humble opinion, and the subject was changed.

Anyway, it stayed with me. Everytime my teenager forgets about an assignment, I remember that comment and I think I should've made sure I asked him about every class instead of the idle chit chat about who he saw and what he did.

Everytime my tween shows her painfully shy side, I  remember what he said and think I should've done more to help her become more self-confident so that she knows how amazing she is.

Everytime my six year old shows her temper, I remember it and I think I should've done better in teaching her anger management.

When my preschooler cries over every little thing and acts out at her baby sister, I remember again and I think she's gotten lost in the shuffle and I need to give her more of my time and attention.

When my baby gets sick, I think that I should've done better at sanitizing the house and then maybe those germs wouldn't have reached her.

When I take the time out to write, read or watch a movie, I can't help but feel guilty because I know there's something more important I could be doing with my time. I just can't seem to do it all. The more I try, the more impossible it seems. And these are the moments that statement rears its ugly head once again.

I suppose most parents have doubts about the job they're doing--especially mothers. I mean, we're supposed to be wired to be these wonderful, nurturing, caregivers, right? We're supposed to know what everyone else needs before they do, right? Seriously though, I really have no idea how to guage what a good mother does.

I love my mother more than I can say. She made some real sacrifices to bring me into this world, when it would've been much easier for her to make another choice. She was fifteen when she got pregnant with me. Barely sixteen when she had me. I can't imagine how difficult that must've been for her. She was so sick she spent much of her time in the hospital. Her marriage to my father didn't last beyond the early months of my babyhood-- and then came the rollercoaster of different homes, fathers and a lot of other things I won't go into just now.

Suffice to say, that I had a different plan for my life. I wasn't even sure if I ever wanted to get married, let alone be a parent. I didn't even think I was capable of trusting a man. God had other plans for me though, and I met the only person in the world I could share everything with and not want to run away and hide afterward.

I sobbed when I found out I was going to have our first child. It happened on the same day I found out I got the full scholarship I'd worked so hard for. I was terrified! I didn't know how to be a mother! I wasn't one of those nurturing types that wanted to hold those tiny newborn babies. I hated babysitting. I didn't know the first thing about what to do with a kid. I only knew the extremes of what not to do.

Well, I made a decision. I decided to put college on hold and see what this new life would bring. I knew I wanted to be the one to raise my baby and be there for all of the important things--and to protect him from all of the horrible things I knew all too well were out there.

I was sure I didn't know what I was doing, but I figured that knowing the things I wasn't going to do would be a good start. I got a subscription to every parenting magazine in existance and I did what I do best--research.

Fast forward to more than fourteen years and five kids later and I love my life. Yes, I know that sounds cliche, but that's something I never thought I'd be able to say. I'd certainly never said it in the years before my family. I love my children. I can't breathe when I think of anything happening to them. I miss them when they're not here, I want to know everything about what makes them who they are.  I want to help them overcome every obstacle that comes their way. And more than anything, I don't want to be an example to them of what not to do.....

I make a lot of mistakes. My body and my mind can't always keep up with all the demands that are put on me. But despite that, I'm happy. I have a good husband and I have very good kids. Are they perfect? No. But they're mine-the good and the bad.

I need to stop measuring myself by those perfect TV moms...or even those moms in my neighborhood who seem to have it all together. Maybe I'm not the perfect mother, but I love my kids more than life. I'd give anything for them. Just maybe that's enough. I hope it is..............

Friday, May 20, 2011

Goodbye, World?

It seems the world is abuzz with news of Judgement day, the Apocolypse and even....zombies? It's been on TV, all over the internet and even the kids came home from school talking about it today. When is this all supposed to happen? Tomorrow! Don't ask me what time though, as I haven't a clue.

I don't know about anyone else, but I plan to just go about my day as usual tomorrow: weeding my flower beds, getting our garden in if the weather allows (assuming there's no earthquake knocking us off our feet and lifting those little plants and seeds out of the ground as soon as we plant them), and taking my 6 year old to her last soccer game this season. Doesn't that just all sound so exciting?

Should zombies start roaming the streets though, it seems the CDC (Center for Disease Control) has us covered here in the good ol' United States. They've been coming up with a Zombie Preparedness Plan to keep us safe. No, I'm not kidding. I came across a news story link from The Wall Street Journal floating around on Facebook and it clued me in about this plan. I was all for checking it out. You should too!

Okay, okay, so you've probably figured out by now that I don't believe the world is coming to an end tomorrow, and so it seems that opinion is shared by those agencies whose links I just shared (gotta love their sense of humor!).

But still, this whole thing has got me thinking. What would I do if the the world was ending? Would I do anything differently? Do I even want to know when our/my time is up? I guess the short answer is: I would want all my loved ones to know how much I love them (I hope they know that already, but I could always do better, I'm sure). I would want to keep living in a way that wouldn't make me too nervous to meet our maker (there's always room for improvement there too). And as for knowing when the clock stops--no, I wouldn't want to know when that day is (I'm sure I'd obsess and fixate and that just wouldn't be fun for anyone!).

Anyway, I guess my point is, none of us really know when our time is up--apocolypse or no. We all have a number that's waiting to be called. So we don't need to quit our jobs (unless we can afford to) or start freaking out about some magic number on the calendar (even the Mayan one). We should just go on with our lives, live them the best we can in a way we can feel proud of so that we don't have to worry about feeling ashamed when that final day should come. Oh yeah, and we should make sure to thank God for each day we're given. :)

God bless you all and may you have a fantastic weekend! And make sure you're always prepared for an emergency, as you never know when one will come up! ;-)

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

A Note for the Toothfairy

So my six year old, Ashlyn, lost a tooth last night. The Toothfairy was not prepared for this, as she had no idea that the tooth was so wiggly. But alas, an hour before bed that tooth popped out. Ashlyn was so excited, she scrambled for a sandwich bag to put it in under her pillow and then went to bed with no fuss at all.

So the Toothfairy scrambled in her purse for something to exchange for that tooth. Finally, she found seven quarters and happily put it them in a sandwich bag to make the switchout go more smoothly (a lesson learned after getting caught in her earlier years of making the exchange using the same sandwich bag).

She put her hand under the dreaming little girl's pillow, and carefully felt for the bag with the tooth. She found it! She pulled it out slowly, trying not to wake the sleeping child, and then just as carefully slipped in the bag of quarters. She cringed as the quarters jingled together, but Ashlyn slept on. The Toothfairy gave a sigh of relief as she tiptoed out of the room after a job well done.

She noticed something odd about the bag she now held in her hand. Something was in the bag with the tooth. She couldn't make out what it was in the dark so she tiptoed into the bathroom, closed the door and turned on the light. It was a note. How sweet! Ashlyn had written her a note!

She took it out of the bag and started reading the kindergartener's thoughtful words. She'd expected something along the lines of "Thank you for giving me money" or "Are you real?" or maybe even "I love you" but that was not what the mischievious little girl had in mind. Nope....instead what was scrawled out on that small piece of paper was "Dear toothfary, ples giv me 10 dolerz." And under that short little note was a smiley face.

The toothfairy had to clap a hand over her mouth so as not to wake the sleeping household with her laughter. She hadn't seen that one coming! Well, Ashlyn, you might not have gotten the ten dollars you wanted, you dear sweet girl, but you will get an extra hug, kiss and chuckle in the morning.

You've got to hand it to her though, it was worth a try!

Friday, February 18, 2011

Getting Back to Life

So I decided, after several weeks of moping about and being decidely unlike myself, that it was time I realize all the blessings I have and move forward with my life. It's amazing how, once you decide that you need to move on, and then tell yourself that life is good, how it actually really does change your perspective and mood! Positive thinking really is a powerful thing, and I just confirmed what I already knew, but had momentarily forgotten :)

It's good that I remembered it too, because these last weeks have been trying, to say the least! I won't go into the family drama (extended family), but I'm sure everyone knows how stressful life can be after a death. There's a lot of adjustment and the whole greiving process that everyone goes through in their own way.

We've had influenza here (bad idea on skipping those flu shots this year!) and a multitude of other illnesses, several of which our sweet baby girl has fallen victim to. We had a week of no sleep, and she got her first taste of antibiotics after her respiratory infection gave her a nasty ear infection. She's finally sleeping again now, so hopefully we can get her immunity built up.

Every week for the last month I've had someone home from school because of being sick. Yuck! Where's that Immune Fizz when you need it (a drink we used to buy, but haven't been able to get for a while)? And I can't believe how much homework there is for each day a kid misses! Yikes! I had to send my son back to school while he was still sick or he'd have never caught up. His grades still haven't all recovered. That's okay though, because I know he's still the smart and responsible kid he was before he missed two days of school.

Anyway, through the trials of being sick and losing loved ones and the others stressors that come with life, I've had to try harder to see all of the many things that we've been blessed with. I have a great husband who loves me and I love him. I have five beautiful, mostly healthy and very good (though not perfect, by any means haha) children. We get to stay in our home after a successful loan modification. My husband still has a job, when so many others have lost theirs. We have good friends who are always there when we need them most. We have God in our lives.

I'm sure I must sound mushy about now, but I have to say that even with the trials our family has been going through, I still have so many more good, compared to bad. It can be hard to remember that when the other stuff in life becomes overwhelming. I just have to keep in mind that saying, "Life is what happens when you're busy making other plans," and make sure that my plans stay flexible! I'm also counting on the belief that our trials only make us stronger. So watch out world, because I'm really getting a workout! But I'm sure I'm not the only one :)

I know a lot of people out there are going through much worse right now. My only advice to those people is to try to stay positive, be strong, ask for help if you can't do it alone, have faith and the rest will follow.

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Time for a New Year!

Yes, it's that time again. It's the time of year when we promise ourselves we're going to be thinner, stronger, healthier, smarter, kinder, richer and just plain better! I'm no different than anyone else when it comes to making those resolutions. Some of them I've been successful at keeping, others get lost by the wayside when I just can't figure out how to fit them into my day-to-day activities. So what does that say about me? Perhaps that I need a better schedule than the fly-by-the-seat of my pants one I've gotten so used to! Hmmmm...was that a resolution?

Any good resolution starts with a thought or idea. Whether or not you're successful at keeping that resolution you set depends a lot on what you tell yourself about the importance of that goal and what you're able and willng to do to acheive it. So, the more positive you are in your thinking, the more likely you are to accomplish what you want. Are you ready to Change Your Life with Postive Thinking? If so, be sure to check out my article about it on HubPages!

If you're looking for some ideas for good resolutions this year and tips on how to achieve them, I've got another great article for you: Why Do We Make New Year's Resolutions?

I'm ready to improve my life! How about you?

Saturday, December 18, 2010

I'm on a Giving High

We were getting some groceries today when a man in a wheel chair caught our attention. He was holding a sign, asking for help, much like the man I told you about a few weeks ago. This man was younger though, maybe in his 30s and was wearing a thin jacket.

Because of the experience I'd had before, we'd talked about what we could do as a family to try to help and make a difference to those who needed it. We decided that instead of letting our numerous coats take up space in the closets, we would go through them, take out the ones we weren't using and put them in the car in case we came upon anyone who needed them. Today we got to give the first one. The man was grateful and never asked for any other thing from us.

It's funny how something so simple can have such an impact. We were able to give something we no longer needed to someone in distress. It was no effort on our parts, beyond going through our closet (which really needed done anyway) and it cost us nothing.

The feeling we got in return though, was priceless. If only every reward in life were that easy to obtain! I thought I'd share this with you, in the chance that you may also have some extra things in your house that you might give to someone in need. You don't have to venture out and look for those who need it if you prefer not to (and if you're alone, you probably shouldn't do it that way anyway), but there are organizations (such as the Salvation Army, Deseret Industries, etc.) you can donate your surplus items to. It takes very little effort, and the reward is instantaneous.

So if you happen to be in a giving mood, and have something you're able to give, then what better time to do it than now? God Bless!

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Don't Get too Caught Up

With nine days left 'til Christmas, retailers are being swarmed with customers anxiously trying to complete those Christmas lists. Businesses are bombarding us with advertisements for all the latest and greatest gadgets for the special people in our lives. We want to wow our loved ones on Christmas day, so we scramble to get all those things on their wish lists in hopes they will feel loved and that they will love us more in return.


It's so easy to get caught up in the hype, and no doubt it's a great feeling to watch someone's face as they open a gift you've given them. But it's important to not forget what this whole thing is about in the first place. And just what is Christmas about anyway? If you ask a child, no doubt you'll get the answers: "Toys!" "Presents!" "Santa!" "Reindeer!" and "Cookies!" We have to admit, that's certainly become a big part of it. But is that really the most important message we want to send?

I have some friends and family members who have experienced job loss in this economy. They all have families to take care of and children who are anxiously awaiting that jolly old elf. Some have asked for help from their churches or from family to provide some of those presents under the tree. Others are scaling back and only providing the necessities. All are feeling the pressure from outside sources to give more than they are financially capable of this year.

It's easy to get caught up in the holiday shopping hype, and heaven knows I've done it too, but we need to try to take a step back and remember why we do this in the first place. Christmas isn't about giving our children, family and friends the latest and greatest things money can buy. It's not even about that big dinner you may serve to your loved ones. It's not about the parties or the cookies or the cards. While all of those things are nice, and feel great to both give and receive, it's the by product of the holiday, but not the reason for it.

Christmas is about the gift we all were given with the birth of our Lord. The way He came to be in this world; the lessons He taught while He was here; and the way He died for us were His ultimate gifts to us. These are gifts we will never be able to match, no matter how hard we may try.

It's so important to not let the message of the season get lost with all those material things. Christmas is about giving. Most of us got that part of the message. But it's not about having the best gift or the most gifts or the right gifts. It's about coming together and sharing, loving, caring, helping, and remembering. It's about all those good things that we all love to experience and be the recipients of. 

So maybe this year would be a good year to sit down and talk about why we celebrate this holiday, or any other holiday. You might find that the memories you create with this discussion will be more lasting than any one of those presents under the tree.

Friday, December 3, 2010

What's in Those Video Games?


If you're anything like our family, then you're probably overwhelmed with all the possible Christmas gift ideas for all the people on your list. One of the things that is probably on that list is a video game (or two!). But unless you're a big time gamer with multiple subscriptions to those gaming magazines, then you might be lost as to what kind of game you want to buy.


I've learned what works and what doesn't and have narrowed it down in my article for HubPages for those of you who are in the same boat I found myself in. Take a look!




Thursday, November 11, 2010

Forgive Me, Daddy


Here's another story I put up on Hubpages today. All-in-all I think it's been a very productive day. It's felt really good to pick up my fiction again for a bit. Even just polishing it up and then writing a short history on it is a great release. I think I'm learning from this experience too.

Don't worry though, I promise not to stop doing articles;-)

Forgive Me, Daddy

Shadow Of a Man


First of all, Happy Veteran's Day! I'd like to thank all the men and woman who have and are serving our country and protecting our rights. May God be with you always!

I decided some time in the middle of the night last night that I wasn't going to let my short stories sit in a drawer, gathering dust anymore. So I decided to put them on HubPages to share them, along with a little bit of the history behind them. There's even a chance that I can make money from doing something else that I love! So if you want to read some short fiction, the link for the first one is below here. It's an appropriate read for this holiday :)

Shadow Of a Man
*The picture here is of the war veteran this story was written for*